I can has Cheeseburger?

I adore cheeseburgers.

I like how simple they are but how much complexity you can add to them- From the way you cook them, to the buns you put them on, to the toppings you give them. There's eleventy-bajillion ways to make a cheeseburger (at least). And like most Americans (the cheeseburger-loving sort anyways) I've had my quest to find the epic burger. I've developed my cheeseburger preferences.

What makes my perfect cheeseburger?

It has to start with Confer's meat (Their business slogan is "Home killed meats"), they're a local mom and pop operation and I've yet to find better burger meat anywhere.

Then, I fire up the Webber. One of the old school black ones that uses charcoal briquettes (Match Light being my briquette of choice here). It can't be a gas grill and it can't be a pan, a charcoal fire is the way to go. I cook my burgers medium, I like a bit of pink in the center.

I get my buns from Kroger's Deli. I like the oniony ones for their flavor, and they're big so you can slap a ton of shit on them without having a dreaded burger blow-out.

Some real Mayo, a dab of French's Mustard. A honking huge slice of beefsteak tomato, some portabella mushroom, swiss cheese, bacon, and fried onions... Om Nom Nom!

That is the way to happy burger heaven. That's my One True Cheeseburger.

And now I bet someone out there is reading this and screaming at their computer screen, "Squeaky! What are you thinking!? A true burger has raw Vidalia onions on it! It has American cheese! A whole wheat bun is the way to go! And charcoal *GASP!* True burgers are cooked over a gas flame!"

Yep. Someone out there is having palpitations. There may even be some tachycardia involved and a bit of mouth frothing.

Why? Because my cheeseburger truth, for some illogical reason, threatens their cheeseburger truth. There mere idea that someone out there doesn't find their True Cheeseburger Way to be the Only Right Way makes them feel insecure, unsettled, and all mouth frothy. Personally, I don't get it, and I think it's silly, but that's the way it is.

That's the way BDSM is too. BDSM is like those eleventy-bajillion cheeseburgers. Simple and complex all at the same time, and like the cheeseburger there's no One True Way to do it (even if some frothy mouthed folks think there is). It's all about preference. You might like olives on your cheeseburger while I think olives are a salty tool of the devil designed to disgust me and ruin other-wise tasty food stuffs. I might like being a mouthy, difficult submissive while you think subs like me are a tool of the devil sent to thwart your Dominess.

neither of us are right, and neither of us are wrong- Not in a general sense anyways. We're right for ourselves even if we're wrong for each other, but that each other bit doesn't matter unless we're actually wanting to play. Then we'd find ourselves incompatible, but still not wrong. Just... Incompatible.

So, you know, maybe it would be helpful for folks to think about BDSM the same way we think abut cheeseburgers. None of us really expect everybody in the universe to enjoy their cheeseburgers the same way we do, right? And we're pretty unlikely to get all frothy mouthed at the idea that someone else enjoys their cheeseburger in a different way, yeah? I mean, that would just be beyond silly to get worked up over something so inconsequential.

My BDSMburger is way different from yours, and that's A-OK. It's just a burger, after all.

(Today I ate a bag of coconut M&Ms and had 5 cans of Diet Dew. Writing while hopped up on that much sugar and caffeine might not have been the best idea I've ever had, yo)