Squeaky's Rules For Her Domly

Because everybody's posting rules and it must be the cool thing to do and I'm all about jumping on bandwagons...

1. The Domly must bathe, shower, or somehow apply soap and water to his Man Parts at least twice a week because otherwise he gets smelling kinda funky and his hair stands up all weird and weird hair + funkiness is not at all hawt.

2. The Domly may not wear socks while otherwise naked, it's creepy and all sorts of wrong. If the Domly's Man Feets are cold, he must suck it up and suffer in True Manly Silence.

3. The Domly is not allowed to pester Squeaky while she is cooking. He must remain in the living room, far away from the kitchen and Squeaky's magical kitcheny juju. Failure to do so will result in spilled soup, scorched Mac N Cheese, and cakes that fail to rise.

4. The Domly must eat food at least once a day. If he fails to remember to eat and complains that he feels "funny" Squeaky will sigh and roll her eyes and say, "Go eat something you silly Man." There is no pity for a Domly who cannot remember to put food in his head when he works at a place that makes food to put in his head.

5. When driving music choice is up to Squeaky because the Domly listens to really weird stuff that Squeaky doesn't like. This applies in both cars, rentals, and anything else Pandora can be played on. Listening to techno is grounds for a great deal of heavy sighing and eye rolling.

6. The Domly must take off his pants and do his Husband Duty at least twice a week, preferably three times. Maybe six. Failure to comply will make Squeaky bitchy and whiney and that's just no fun for anybody.

7. The Domly may not use Squeaky as a heater after he's spent time outside in the winter and his appendages are icy cold. Cold makes Squeaky flail like an epileptic ninja which is bad for the Domly's health.

8. The Domly can do whatever he wants with the toilet seat in Man Cave potty, but if he uses Squeaky's potty the seat has to be returned to the "down" position after use. Squeaky does not like falling into the toilet in the middle of the night when she's expecting the seat to be down and it's not. Failure to comply will result in grade-school pranks like saran wrap over the toilet bowl in retaliation.

9. Last time Squeaky checked the Domly's arms were not broken. If he makes a big old "I'm making something brilliant" mess, he can damn well pick up after himself and not wait 3 weeks until Squeaky gets tired of the mess and picks it up herself.

10. The Domly is in charge except when he's not. When he's not is determined by the relative humidity, the position of the moon in relation to Mars, the day of the week, ambient air temperature, how many times the dog has yurped that day, number of freckles on Squeaky's left shoulder, and the winning lottery numbers. If the sum of these things is less than 42 the Domly is boss, if the number is more than 42 Squeaky gets to run amuk. If the number is 42 then it's a sign of the zombie apocalypse and Emergency Zombie Apocalypse Rules apply.

11. All rules are subject to change at almost any time (except on Febuary 29th when leap Year Rules go into effect) and for a multitude of obscure reasons that may or may not be invented by Squeaky as an excuse to be bad. Failure to comply with and adhere to the rules will result in dire threats of heinous consequences that probably won't be carried out because Squeaky is really lazy. All rules have been read and aproved by some panel of people who are in charge of reading lists of rules and aproving them. Disagreements with the rules may be sent to: The Dead Letter Office, Post Office, Your Town and State.

12. Reading the rules implies agreement to abide by the rules.